


maybe i do love you // phan

by nostalgicphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Modern Royalty, No Smut, Overthinking, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Platonic Relationships, Queer Themes, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Soulmates, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-06-27 09:49:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19788394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgicphan/pseuds/nostalgicphan
Summary: Dan never thought much about it when he heard the Prince's boyfriend was coming to stay in the castle and study for some upcoming role. Sure, he'd heard of Phil Lester before, but he just played some character in a popular TV show. Why should he care?His expectations of spending the next few months as uneventfully as usual were shattered when the Prince, whom Dan worked for, decided it would be perfect for Phil to shadow Dan.As Dan and Phil become closer as friends, Dan realises maybe he isn't content to spend the rest of his life as it had been before, and that sometimes to stay happy you just have to take a blind leap into the eye of the storm of life.





	1. A Star Unseen

**[ dan ]**

Trees. Trees everywhere. Trees to my left, trees to my right. It’s a never ending bloody forest of huge, scraggly trees. Last thing I remember is sitting in the lounge messing around on my piano, but now here I am, stuck in the middle of one of my worst nightmares.

I hear a crack behind me and freeze. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,” I think, and cautiously pivot to see a shrouded figure. Shit. I’ve seen him before.

“Hello, Daniel,” the man says. His voice is dark and husky.

“H-hi again,” I stutter as I step back. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I’ve seen him at least a dozen times, but never before have I heard his voice.

He steps forward in time to my retreats. A bit of moonlight shines on his face, revealing a bit of unkempt facial hair.

What does he want? How does he know my name??

My heart keeps pounding.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Next thing I know, I’m in my room, with warm daylight shining onto my bed. Of fucking course it was a dream. I’ve had several nightmares with guest appearances by this man of mystery, and yet, I never realise I'm dreaming until I've already woken up.

“Dannnyuuuullllll, wake UP, you lazy bum!”

The booming was Freya’s regularly scheduled concert of incessant knocking. She wakes me up every time she’s overly excited about something...which is most days. I’d get more annoyed by it if it weren’t for the fact that I usually never have to set an alarm. Waking up to the sound of your best friend trying to break your door down isn’t optimal, but it’s preferable to my alarm clock’s defalt ear-wrenching beeps.

“CHILL, I’m awake,” I call.

“Great! Then let me in. I need to make sure you actually stay awake and get ready so you can go with me to try and find Phil!!”

Phil? Phil. Who in the sweet name of hell is Phil?

Whatever.

I change out of my pyjamas and open the door to a bouncing Freya. I can tell whoever this Phil guy is, she’s eager to meet him. She basically wears the same thing every day, but today she's traded her sweater and jeans for some flowy blouse-and-shorts look. It’s all pastel and she smells like flowers.

“Are you...wearing perfume?”

“Well, the thing is, I know Phil’s with the Prince, and he won’t ever see me as anything but a humble fan- I know that! I’m not expecting anything to happen! But I don’t want to smell like grungy old horses if I get a chance to meet my literal favourite actor of all time! I-”

“Ohh, Phil as in Prince Charleigh’s boyfriend. The actor that played Runa in the Warrior Duels series?” I feel bad for interrupting, but I can tell if I don’t she’ll end up rambling for the next three minutes.

“Yeah! He’s here to learn about a new part, I guess, and during breakfast, my father said he had to unexpectedly take in Phil’s horses last night. I was surprised because, well, for one, I thought Phil would’ve been the kind to ride in an automated limo or something, and two, I thought he was coming in today! But so yeah, anyways, you need to come with me and try to find him.” I’m starting to protest, but she cuts me off by adding, “DAN, remember when the Prince had a special pianist come in for his eighteenth birthday and you made me explain to him how much you admired his work? Remember? You were hiding behind a bookshelf and I had to drag you out just so you could shake his hand and get him to sign your sheet music. REMEMBER?!”

She had several points.

“Okay, okay, fine, I’ll go with you to search for this actor,” I concede.

“Hell yeah,” she whispers with glittering eyes.

As we’re walking down the halls, I realise that I actually don’t know what this man looks like. Sure, I’ve seen him on television since I was, like, in middle school, but that’s because he played a recurring character on a popular teledrama. I’ve never actually seen his face, to be honest, since his character is a murderous lad in constant disguise.

We spend about thirty minutes roaming the castle before we run into my mother. She is the Head Royal Seamstress, and damn well at her craft. She’s also damn well at striking terror into the hearts of those who have disappointed her, as most mothers are.

Long story short, Freya (who works for my mother) and I both got chewed out and had to head our separate ways to work.

“We’ll try after dinner, okay?” Freya says. It’s more of a statement than a question. I really do owe her for the whole pianist thing.

**[ phil]**

__

I throw myself onto the giant bed, giggling like a madman.

“I can’t believe you actually live like this! There’s- four, five- SIX pillows!? I thought I was extra with three!”

Charleigh grins and sits on the bed next to me, prim and proper like the sweet little prince I’d fallen in love with. 

“That’s the life of a royal, Phil,” he shrugs with fake modesty. I throw one of the pillows at him, ignoring his scowl and laughing myself nearly off the bed.

One of the boys who’d insisted on bringing my luggage in for me appeared in the doorframe. “This is the last of your bags, sir,” he said, placing my backpack on the floor. Before I could open my mouth, Charleigh thanked the boy and sent him on his way.

“But, like, wasn’t I supposed to tip him or something?”

“Nah, it’s a part of their job. Would you like a tour of the castle?” he asks, interrupting my train of thought.

“Is that even a question??! I’ve always dreamed of seeing a castle,” I murmured happily, draping myself dramatically over his lap. He smiled, gave me a quick peck on the lips, and warned me to get off before he stood up or I’d go tumbling to the floor.

“Oh! Before I go,” he says as he crosses the room towards his desk, “I’ve got to write a note for my assistant. I’ll just give him the day off; you’re much more important than anything else I’ve got to do today.”

I love him so much, holy fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story has been burning in my head for the past few days. i'm aware this is my first published fanfic, but i've been writing for as long as i can remember, so ...yeah lol. i hope somebody enjoys this. <33


	2. Awkward Beginnings

**[ dan ]**

I hate my job. No, I _despise_ it. I'm basically the Prince's servant- though, of course, nowadays one would technically refer to me as his ‘personal assistant.’ The idea is the same, though; the Prince asks for something to be done, and I have to do it, providing it doesn’t infringe on my basic human rights or whatever. It’s a decent paying job, though, and as the Prince is away more often than not, it usually involves me simply going about the castle and doing favours for whoever needs it. Another perk is that sometimes I get to go along with the Prince on a business trip or something of the likes. Even though it's a working vacation, I've still gotten to travel more than the common commoner.

Today as I go to check in with the Prince, I see a note on the door.

“Daniel:

Today I am spending time welcoming my dearest Philip. Please take the day to reshelf my section of the library. After you’ve done so, you may take the rest of the day off.

-Charleigh”

I haven’t gotten a day off in months. Suddenly, this Phil guy seems like a blessing rather than an improbable blip in the timeline of my life story.

I’ve just finished reshelving the library, but now, as Freya is still working, I’ve nothing to do.

I wander into the garden, one of my usual quiet thinking spaces. When Prince Charleigh’s sister, Anya, was here, she enjoyed tending to the lovely plants, but she married off to the Crown Prince of our neighboring country a few years ago and left them all to the care of the Royal Gardener. Typically nobody is in here, as the gardener comes in a couple times a week to water and weed the plants and such.

I’m turning the corner towards the big oak tree, ready to crash at my favourite napping spot, when I realise there’s somebody else already at the bench. It’s a guy, facing away from me. His hair is pitch black and contrasts greatly with his garishly bright yellow shirt.

What do I do? Back away? Introduce myself?? He certainly isn’t anyone I’ve seen around the castle before, that’s for sure. Is he Phil? No, because Charleigh would be with him.

Before I can decide, the man turns around. He’s pale. Like, really pale. But he’s got an honest face, if that makes much sense. He smiles, and it’s like I’ve been struck by lightning. Which is weird. Maybe I’m just having a panic attack.

“Hey! I’m Phil, who’re you?”

Oh shit, it’s the Prince’s boyfriend.

I realise I’ve been gaping like a fish for far too long and stutter, “Uhh, hi...my name’s Dan. I work for the Prince.”

Stupid. Stupid thing to say. _Oh, hello sir, nice to meet you, your boyfriend is my ultimate superior!! How do you do???!_ I’m an idiot.

“Oh! You’re Dan! He left you a note.”

“Yeah...I finished what he told me to do, so I came to the garden to take a nap, and...yeah. Hi.”

What do I even do in this situation?! I have so many questions. _Why are you here? Where's Charleigh? Why am I here????_

“You okay there?”

“Hmm?”

“I said, you okay? You look like you’re gonna pass out,” he laughs. “Oh wait, do you watch my show or something?”

His show. Show. His show? I can’t concentrate. I’ve never heard him laugh before. Why can I still hear it ringing in my head? Am I okay?

I conclude that I am, in fact, losing it.

“Uhhh...I mean, yeah, it’s pretty popular, so...yeah. I didn’t really know what you look like, though, because that’s all I’ve seen of you…”

_Idiot!_

“Oh! Haha, sorry, you sort of looked a bit starstruck. That-that sounded a bit rubbish of me, I’m sorry. It’s just that usually whenever somebody has that look on their face, it’s because they’re a fan....Do you want to sit down or something? I’m a bit concerned.” The seriousness of his words was quickly contradicted by another goofy laugh.

“Uhh...you know what...I’ve actually gotta _go_ …”

My lame attempt at fleeing the scene of awkwardness is interrupted by a familiar voice. “Danny! Hullo! You’ve met Phil?”

It’s Prince Charleigh. Damnit. What if he finds another task for me to do? I was ready to enjoy the rest of today in peace.

"Yes, I was exploring the garden and accidentally bumped into him."

"I'm glad to hear that! Philly here," he says, glancing at the gangly boy now at his side, "needs somebody to shadow, and I think you would be perfect for the job!” At the Prince’s suggestion, Phil is beaming.

Meanwhile, I’m confused. “Wot? Shadow? As in…”

“Like he would follow you around every day. It’s perfect! When I go on my trip to the kingdom of Cuillin in a couple of weeks you could both accompany me!”

I don’t really have a choice, but I still sort of freeze thinking it all over as if I did. I don’t want to be rude, though; I have no reason to dislike Phil. It was my own awkwardness that stiffened our first encounter.

I realise Phil is looking at me as though expecting me to concede or something, though.

“That sounds good!” I say as I force a smile. As previously mentioned, I don’t necessarily dislike Phil, but the idea of having some dopey actor tagging along by my side for God knows how long isn’t entirely thrilling either.

“Alright, cool. Phil, let’s just hang out today for now. I already gave Dan the day off.” The Prince’s arm is around Phil’s waist and I can’t help but wonder how it feels to be looked at in the same way Phil is looking at him.

“See ya tomorrow, then, I guess…”

“Bye!” Phil says with a wave and a goofy grin. He’s one of those people that smiles with his entire face. It does ease my awkwardness a bit and I smile genuinely as I leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan's my awkward bb!!  
> i just couldn't restrain myself from posting this already, oops  
> but i'm gonna try and keep myself to updating this every weekend!! preferably friday evenings (PST) but we'll see hehe  
> i've been working on this story a lot and have got the next few chapters already pre-written, so be sure to stick around if you enjoy what you've read so far <333


	3. Starstruck Promises

**[** **phil** **]**

“He seems nice! Just maybe a bit awkward,” I giggle to Charleigh as Dan walks away.

“Yeah,  _ painfully _ awkward.”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“I mean, like, I like the guy, but bringing him on trips sometimes is a pain in the ass. Did he ever freeze up while he was talking to you? He’s always doing shit like that whenever he talks to someone new. It embarrasses me sometimes,” he laughs. I frown. I always hate when he talks bad about people behind their backs, even if he’s not intending to be mean. 

“Come on, babe, you know I’m awkward too,” I say in an attempt to get him to stop.

“You're not that bad! Like- well, I mean no harm, you know that! Just making a light joke.”

I wonder if Charleigh ever gets embarrassed by my awkwardness. I don’t mention it, though. Instead, I say, “You should never make fun of something a person can’t change about themselves. So he’s a bit awkward, but that’s whatever. I’m gonna be hanging out with him anyways, so he probably won't freeze up or anything after he’s used to me.”

Charleigh stays silent for a moment, and then shrugs and says, “Yeah, I guess. You wanna finish the tour now?”

“I mean…are there gonna be any more interruptions…?”

“Nah,” he assured me. “It was just that one meeting, I promise.”

I beam, grabbing his hand and letting him lead me through the castle again. I do hope there are no more last-minute emergency meetings. I’m too awkward to handle running into anybody else without Charleigh by my side to balance things out.

**[** **dan** **]**

“No!!”

“Yes!”

“Oh my God, you’re shitting me right now. You better not be messing with me, I swear.”

“I’m not! It’s really not that hard to believe- of course Phil would be here to shadow somebody for a role, and since I, uh, work for Charlie, well...it makes sense?”

Freya’s eyes are glowing with the light of a million stars, her entire body quaking with immense fangirl energy. I found her right as she got out of work, and somehow managed to keep this mind-blowing development from her for an entire ten minutes until we started eating dinner.

“Can you believe it?! My best friend, working with one of my favorite actors. Oh, Dan, you HAVE to introduce us!”

“I-”

“Come ON, holy jeez, you know how much this means to me. You don’t have a choice, you simply have to!”

I guess I kind of do have to.

“Okay, well, I can’t promise anything right away, but I will introduce you two the first chance I get.” Freya nods at my words and then proceeds to ask me questions about Phil I mostly don’t have the answers to yet between bites of food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i know this one's rly rly short, but i promise the next one's long to make up for it!! i just had to make this its own chapter bc it didn't rly fit with the last one or the one ahead :) xx


	4. Crumbling Perceptions

**[ dan ]**

It’s the morning of my first day working with Phil. I’m on my way to the Prince’s room, and I can’t stop thinking about how much Freya stans Phil. It’s so ironic, like, I’m working for our literal future ruler and she couldn’t give two rips about that, but the moment some random actor steps foot into our castle she absolutely loses her shit!

The funniest part of it all is the fact that he’s an actor. Out of all people to freak out over, why an actor? He could make one mistake and have half his career topple over before his very eyes, or star in a terrible movie and slowly lose relevance in the media's eyes; his livelihood is based on a continuous series of unknown and lucky chances. In a building full of people destined to be important for their entire lives, Freya’s geeking out over somebody who pretends to be other people for a living?

The minds of fangirls never cease to confuse me.

I’ve reached the Prince’s door. Usually it’s open by now, since I come in every morning, but today it’s closed. Hm.

I awkwardly stand in front of it, as if that could help me any bit. Should I knock? Is this a sign that I should come later? No, he would’ve left me a note. 

Then I hear a faint sound inside, followed by a loud bump. Without thinking twice, I press my ear to the door. I don’t realise this could possibly incriminate me for spying on the Prince. I’m merely curious; plus, the bump could be justification for proper concern on behalf of Charleigh’s safety.

I hear two voices, but I can’t make out what they’re saying. One belongs to the Prince, without a doubt, and the other belongs to whom I can only assume to be Phil. Yelling? Perhaps some sort of lovers’ quarrel?

The Prince’s voice is getting louder, and then I realise it’s because it’s coming to the door. “...get me started, Phil!” is the last thing I hear before I jump back. Retreating quickly, I try to make it seem as though I had coincidentally gotten to the door right as it was opened.

He seems relieved to see me, so I guess I had timed it right.

“Hello, Dan,” he sighs, to which I return a friendly greeting. Nothing’s sus at all. I wasn’t listening to you and your boyfriend argue. Everything’s normal here.

Phil appears from behind Charleigh. “Hey, Dan! Ready to start our first day?” His words are laced with cheeriness, and his countenance is bright as well, both contrary to what I’d been expecting. 

“Uhh...sure, I guess. What do you want me to do?” I ask the Prince.

“Eh, just show Phil around the town for today. I’ve got too much to do to think of tasks for you.” He shrugs me off and closes the door without saying goodbye to Phil.

“Uhh…” 

“Right! So! The town! I’m eager to see it!” Phil’s eyes are shining, but I can’t tell if it’s from pain or joy. Yikes, I’m too observant for my own good.

“Oh! Yeah umm, okay...wait, won’t people, like, recognise you or something?”

Phil giggles, and, as per my habitual over-observation, I notice that he sticks his tongue out as he laughs. Weird.

“Nah, usually people only recognise me if they’re a fan of me. I don't run into my people often,” he shrugs.

I start to lead the way as we talk. “I suppose that makes sense. But then why did you ask me yesterday if I watched the show?”

“Well, whenever people stare at me like that, it’s because they’re one of my fans...but I always feel weird saying that, so I’ve developed the habit of asking if they watch the show. More often than not they do watch the show, and then end up telling me I play their favorite character or something,” he adds with a sheepish grin.

The thought that I should ask him to meet up with Freya is edging at my mind, but I can't because she’s working right now. My mother would get upset if I interrupted their work. Even if it was for some actor, regardless of the fact that he was dating our Prince. So I wordlessly lead him towards the main door, with Phil occasionally slacking behind to admire the odd painting or sculpture decorating the castle halls.

Once we get to town, I realise how right Phil was. Despite everyone knowing the Prince’s boyfriend is in town, we’ve only gotten stopped by fans twice within the first hour.

I ask Phil if he’s hungry. He is, in his words, “beyond famished,” so I take him to my favourite diner. “The pancakes here are to die for,” I explain with a grin, already anticipating the crumbling edges and oozing syrup with more joy than I’d like to admit.

We sit in a booth in the corner behind a row of potted plants. Phil had claimed to want to sit here to allow for some privacy, but I'm sure the plants are a bonus. There is one next to him and he pets it as if it were a dog or something. I can’t tell what he sees in them, as they’re simple pink flowers, but to each their own, I suppose.

I've been nervous for the inevitable awkward silences, but as soon as we finish ordering, Phil starts a conversation.

“So, Dan, what’s your story?”

I blink. “My...story?”

“Yeh! Everyone’s got a story. I want to get an idea of what makes you THE Daniel Howell.”

How does he know my last name??

I don’t have time to think about it, though, as Phil's waiting for my answer.

“Well, I dunno. I’m pretty average.”

“Average?”

“Yeh...I don’t really have any special quirks or anything?”

“Well, what do you do, then? Surely your days are filled with _some_ things of interest.”

“Oh, well, I mean…” Besides hanging out with Freya, visiting the town every so often, and traveling with the Prince (which is fun, but is also work), I don’t really do much. Should I mention Freya? Would that be weird?

Phil’s waiting again, so I panic and say, “Well, I hang out with my friend Freya.”

“Ooh! What is Freya like?”

“She’s weird,” I laugh. “I’ve known her my entire life, since our parents are friends and she’s a month and four days older than me.”

Phil smiles. 

“That may seem weird for me to remember,” I add before he comes to the assumption we’re often faced with, “but I only know it because she reminds me of it whenever possible. She can be pretty annoying about things like that.” Suddenly, talking about Freya seems a bit weird, mostly because he’s not saying anything. I hate it when people quietly presume we’ve got a thing for each other; I’d rather them up and say it so I can solidly deny it.

Phil finally breaks his silence by saying, “Well, see, there’s a thing about you. You’re loyal.”

“What?”

Our food comes, and we pause for a moment to thank the waiter.

“Yeah, loyal,” Phil continues seamlessly. “You guys have known each other for...wait, how old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Nineteen years! That’s a pretty dedicated friendship.”

I note his intentional use of the word friendship with appreciation.

“Yeah, I guess. Most people use it as an excuse to tease that we fancy each other. It’s pretty obnoxious, especially after a solid, what, thirteen or so years of it?”

“Jeez!” Phil laughed. “I know what you mean. People are so eager to ship others no matter the situation. You know what?”

He’s lowered his voice, and so I lower mine as well. “Wut?”

“Right after I came out as gay, people immediately took it upon themselves to proclaim how they knew all along, and how they’d been shipping me with various male costars, and how I fit perfectly into their perceptions of what a typical gay man was. It was crazy! The best part of it all was that I’d already been dating Charleigh for a month. Everything they were saying was ridiculous, especially that all my costars identify publicly as straight!”

I feel a bit uncomfortable for some odd reason, but I laugh along with him. “Oh, my God, that must be so weird!”

“It was so weird!! I felt like I couldn’t exist without some tabloid screaming about my supposed love affair with PJ Ligouri, my closest costar.”

“Oh, wait, I remember that now! Shit, that was you, that’s right! I didn’t connect the dots.” So I guess I had seen his face before?

“Yup. Charleigh, of course, rubbed it in that I'd made a mistake and he’d seen it all coming,” he laughed, and then sort of froze. “Uh...don’t tell him I said that, please? It’s sort of a sore subject.”

I don’t want to push too far into their matters, so I supply a simple, “Sure, no problem,” and then return to my pancakes. They're as delicious as I had known they would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oop i couldn't not add this, i felt bad about the last chapter being mega short  
> even tho i only have like 2 people actually reading this asldjkg  
> i will make this good for u two >:3


	5. From Worse to Better

**[** **phil** **]**

Today didn’t start off very well.

Charleigh and I had dozed off while watching a movie on his phone. Now, don't get me wrong, that part was lovely. What wasn't so lovely was his alarm not going off because his phone had died as we slept.

About forty minutes after his alarm would've gone off, Charleigh woke up with a start, frantically rushed to get ready, and snapped at me when I tried to console him.

I made it worse by tripping over one of his shoes and crashing into the dresser, barely catching a bottle of cologne before it shattered on the floor.

“Phil! Really?! That was a present from my grandma." 

“I didn’t fall on purpose! You need to calm down,” I huffed, “you already know I’m a klutz. You’re freaking out over nothing.”

“I’m too busy for this. I’m gonna check if Dan’s here,” he muttered before turning away.

“Too busy for this?? What is that supposed to mean?!”

“You _know_ what I mean. Don’t even get me started, Phil!”

He shoved the doors open. Much to my dismay, I heard him greet Dan. I hoped he hadn't heard anything; explaining this to a stranger would’ve been too weird.

I rubbed my eyes, collected my breath, and walked to the doorway.

“Hey, Dan! Ready to start our first day?”

At first my cheeriness had been forced, but the further I walked from Charleigh and his grumpiness, the clearer my head felt. By the time we’d reached the castle gates, I was in a genuinely positive mood.

Which was good. I didn’t want to bring anybody down by being in a bad mood.

After we ate, Dan and I went downtown. The first thing I noticed was two different plant shops right across the street from each other! 

“I don’t know the owners, but whoever they are, I ship it,” I had told Dan. He laughed and said, “What if one of them’s eighty-four years old, and the other’s, like, twenty?” I shrugged and said, “As long as they’re both consenting adults I don’t care.”

That had made him laugh again. I was really glad that he’d already started to feel comfortable around me after just a few hours.

The rest of the day went pretty well. I ran into a Warrior Duels fan in Hot Topic! We talked for a bit about ships and theories (my character doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time per episode, so I never actually know the whole plot of an episode until it airs), and then she asked for a selfie. I almost dropped her phone, but that’s not important.

Right now Dan and I’ve just finished eating lunch. I’m wondering where else we’re gonna go when he looks at me and says, “I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea what else there is to do in this town.”

My eyes widen and I’m about to suggest something, but I don’t know how weird or boring it would sound.

While I was waiting for Charleigh to finish his meeting yesterday, I was looking up date ideas, and I’d found a really cool-looking retro video game museum. They had massive libraries of games, and all the best consoles I remember from my childhood. I’d been frickin zazzed to go, but Charleigh was uninterested, so I gave up on the idea.

“...Would you like to express an opinion, Phil?”

“Oh, sorry,” I said, embarrassed at having totally spaced out on Dan, “well, there’s this...video game museum I kinda wanted to visit…?”

Dan’s eyes lit up like stars. “Video game museum!? Do they have N64 games?! I haven’t played one in years!”

“Yeah, they’ve got all the classic stuff!” I’m pulling out my phone now, address already bookmarked. “Look, it’s only a ten minute walk from here!”

“FUCK yeah. They better have _all_ the classics, Phil, or I’m suing.”

We had a great time. 

I hope the rest of these next few months go the same way as today. Despite its rocky start, today went amazingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehe im changing my book to alternating pov's meaning im adding this chapter in wooooooooop


	6. An Unwanted Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan is confronted by a horridly familiar visitor in the darkness of midnight
> 
> there's a tw that contains slight spoilers in the notes!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (spoilers) tw: biphobia+homophobia (internalised, but still)

**[ dan ]**

I’m lying in my bed, and I can’t sleep. My conversation with Phil over breakfast reminded me of a worry that constantly nags at the back of my head. I always procrastinate thinking about it, but whenever it comes for a visit, it’s in the darkest, most silent part of the night.

I try to distract myself by going over the rest of the day. I had shown Phil a couple of plant shops, as he had seemed to admire the plants in the diner so much. He then caught sight of a Hot Topic and made us stay in there for at least an hour. I wouldn't have expected Phil, a twenty-one-year old actor quick on his way to major stardom, to enjoy going to a store that sold overpriced merch from the very show he acts in. Turns out he was there for the anime section. Who would've thought Phil and I had some favourites in common?

But the thought doesn’t go away. I turn towards my window and stare at the moon, searching for something else to think about.

There was a fan in the store. I smile as I recall her. She was wearing a Warrior Duels t-shirt with the main characters posed dramatically under a pretty night sky. She had asked Phil for a selfie, but when Phil almost dropped her phone, I stepped in and offered to take the picture for them.

Afterwards, Phil had asked me, in a sort of teasing way, if I had offered because I thought the girl was cute. He stopped when he saw I was uncomfortable, though.

The thought had come to me then, but I had pushed it away for later.

It wasn't that the girl wasn't cute. She looked to be a year or two younger than me, and had curly hair dyed purple. Of course she was cute. That just didn't happen to be my intention.

_Well, shit, I wonder why???_

I squeeze my eyes shut as if to prevent the thought from formulating. But I can’t stop it now. It's building itself up like a heavy storm cloud, readying to wreak havoc on the calm shore of my mind.

I remember the first time it visited me. I was, like, 12 and in English class, sitting next to one of my friends. I had stared as he delicately took a pencil out of his bag. He looked into my eyes for a second, and as he blinked, I was stunned by the fluttering of his long, black eyelashes before he turned back to face the front of the room.

I was amazed by his eyes. They were so bright and beautiful, and yet they seemed so sad, and deep with emotion. I wished I could just understand everything that happened behind those baby blue eyes.

Okay, fuck it, I think I’m a bit gay.

There, I thought it. Could it please shut the fuck up now and let me sleep?

But no, now that I’ve thought it I can’t take it back. My brain devours the thought and shits out fifty other, smaller overthoughts. Those nasty little things.

They’re surrounding me and I can’t see a way out. They’re yelling, a big, angry mess of nonsensical syllables.

_How could you think you’re gay?! You never acted on your feelings!_

What do you mean?! I was terrified, of course I never acted on it!

_That confirms it! You’ve acted on your feelings with girls before, but you’ve never fancied a boy enough to actually do anything about it!_

Is there really some requirement or whatever? What if I’m bi??

_Bi?? BI??!?! You absolute buffoon. You blumbering idiot. Bi is a safety word for you. Make up your mind! You can’t just let yourself off with some half-straight, half-gay bullshit. You’re not gay. Gay is bad! You’re straight straight straight straight_

SHUT UP shutupshutupshutup

I’m overwhelmed by it all. It feels as though I’m not my own person, as if my mind and body are separate, and my body is so, so tired from my mind’s constant attacks. I throw my pillow over my head and scream.

_Watch out, Daniel! Somebody might hear you! Somebody might find out!!_

I sob to myself until I fall into a shallow, empty sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's short, but v real. the bad thoughts are based off what i experience, so it may seem unrealistic to some, but that's just bc not everybody deals with the same things. 
> 
> hopefully you never have to deal with this :0 
> 
> and sorry for the homophobia. it's not pleasant, but it sometimes can play a large part in the process of learning to accept ourselves. he's just scared :(


	7. Plans

**[ dan ]**

During breakfast, I fill Freya in on the day Phil and I had spent together. She dies a little more inside, exclaiming how much she wished Phil could’ve been assigned to shadow her. I don’t explain to her how boring that would be, since she spends her entire day inside sewing clothes and stuff. Instead, I inform her that I had mentioned her, and her eyes grow wide as the moon.

“So Philip Micheal Lester knows I exist?!” 

I laugh. “Yes, Freya, Phil knows you exist. I don’t think you’ll get a chance to meet until the weekend, though. The Prince is going to a family wedding, but Phil has to stay because of some complications with the invitation or whatever.” I keep to myself what I think of leaving your significant other behind like that.

“Hells yes! Since I get weekends off, we can all spend the day together!!”

“What could we do for a whole day? I already took him around town.”

“Come on, Dan, you and I both know the town is too big to explore in a day.”

I mull over this. “I already showed him the best spots, though…”

“Don't be such a spork! I’ve got some great places in mind already.” She’s got that all-too-familiar glint of determination in her expression. There’s no stopping her now, even if I wanted to, which I didn’t.

“Well, I gotta go now. See ya later.”

“Tell Phil hi for me!!”

“Freya,” I frown, “you’re such a Phillie.”

Then I walk away like somebody in an action movie walking away from an explosion. Only the explosion is Freya losing her mind laughing, and I turn around twice to laugh at her reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy thanks for 69 reads that's v e r y n i c e >;333


	8. Night Owls

**[ dan ]**

The next few days are spent on my own, doing the usual menial castle tasks, as the Prince decided to spend his time leading up to the weekend with Phil to make up for leaving him behind. I don’t mind, because this means I can chill with Freya and my mum once I’ve finished making my rounds.

Friday evening comes quicker than expected, and the Prince leaves in his royal automated carriage quite unceremoniously. During dinner Freya talks about anything but Phil. She always avoids talking about things she's nervous about. I don't tell her that I haven't yet asked Phil if he'd want to hang out with us. I haven't had a chance, since he'd been spending all his time with the Prince for the past few days. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, although I don’t know how I’ll break it to her if he’s not.

When I head back to my room for the night, all I can think of is what we’ll be doing tomorrow. I hope she actually has some fun ideas on where to go. She’s right, I guess, in saying that our town is actually quite large. I’ve lived here my whole life and still I’m sure there are some spots I’ve never been. 

Pretty soon, my thoughts turn dizzying and I fall into a peaceful sleep.

“Daniel.”

Oh God, not again.

I’ve awoken in an empty room. The walls are black as night, and there are no windows. It’s as if any bit of light in this room would get swallowed up by it all.

“Daniel. I know you heard me.”

The dark voice is coming from behind me. It’s oddly familiar.

I will myself not to turn around. 

Something brushes up against my shoulder. I don’t like it. I really, really don’t like it. 

It’s whispering in my ear, but I can’t make out its words. All I know is my heart is pounding and I want to get out. 

I wake up a few minutes later, for real this time, in my own bedroom. I grimace as I remember the dream. I’m kind of too scared to go to sleep again, so I get up and head towards my safe place.

As I round the corner towards the garden, I laugh to myself at the memory of what happened the last time I headed this way. I wouldn’t say anything dramatic like, my life changed on that fateful day, or whatever...but that day did still bring some weird changes. I find comfort in knowing that they weren’t necessarily bad changes, though.

The crickets are calming and the night breeze is happily refreshing. The canopy of trees lets in just enough moonlight to bathe the foliage in beauty rather than give off an atmosphere of terror. I smile. It’s moments like this that make me realise how lucky I am to work and live in such a lovely castle.

I’m almost to my bench. The only thing in my way is my blessed oak tree. I stop for a moment to rest my hand on its cool bark. It’s quite grounding to do so. Then I step forward and-

Wait. What the fuck? Am I dreaming again?

Phil’s sitting on my bench again. What the fuck is he doing here in the middle of the night by himself?!

I’m paralyzed with the fear that this may be a hyper-realistic dream, but I continue moving despite it.

“Hullo? Phil, is that you?”

Phil glances up with a start, and I almost laugh because he looks as if he’s seen a ghost. Then he grins and says, “Oh, hi, Dan! I wasn’t expecting to see anybody at this time of night, you spooked me!”

“I could say the same thing to you,” I smile wryly, taking a tentative step towards the bench. “Could I sit here? It’s sort of why I came.”

“Oh! Sure,” he says, scooting to give me some room. I sit next to him before I can yell at myself for putting myself in yet another awkward garden situation. _You’re gonna spend the weekend and God knows how much more time with him and nobody else, so suck it up and get used to talking to the guy before panicking about being awkward!_

Speaking of tomorrow…

“Oh, so I was meaning to ask you, my friend Freya is sort of like...a fan of you I guess?” Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. Oh well. “But so yeah...I dunno...I was thinking we could hang out tomorrow? She says it’s been too long since she’s gone to town, and I guess she has some ideas of where to go or whatever…” I’m cringing at my word choice, but Phil doesn’t notice.

Instead, he grins again and says, “Yeah, that would be fun!”

“Really? It isn’t weird that, like...she’s one of your fans…??”

“No? It just means we’ll have some things to talk about already.”

I shake my head at his strange yet sound logic and laugh. “Well, okay, that’s good.”

Then the dreaded awkward silence comes into play. I'm desperate to break it. On the other hand, I'm not particularly interested in prying into Phil's personal issues by asking why he’s sitting out here alone in the dead of the night.

But once again, Phil’s the one to start a conversation.

“Hey, Dan?”

“Hm?”

“Excuse me for asking, but why are you here? Like right now. And, I guess, like, why here _specifically_.”

“Oh.” Yikes. I’m sort of relieved he asked first. Now it wouldn't be weird if I asked him the same thing. I’m also not relieved, because now I have to either admit I got scared by a bad dream or lie.

“I couldn’t sleep.” It’s technically not a lie. “This is one of my favourite spots in the castle. I’ve been running to this bench in bad moments for as long as I can remember.” That was a little more vulnerably honest than intended, but whatever.

“Oh. That makes sense.”

“Yeah...If you don’t mind me asking, why are _you_ here?”

Phil shrugs. “Same reason, I guess. Kinda. I couldn’t sleep, and so I came to the only part of the castle I could find in the dark.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

It feels like the silence should be awkward, but it isn’t. It’s sort of comfortable, in a sense. The fountain in front of us makes gentle splashes and I realise that, in this moment, I am truly at peace.

I soak in this peace for a few minutes before I say, “You know what? I’m sort of feeling better. I think I’ll go back to bed now.”

“I was about to say the same thing! I’m glad you showed up, Dan. Even if it was only for a few minutes, talking to someone cleared my head.”

I find myself fighting back a goofy grin at his words. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“See ya tomorrow!”

We then turn our separate ways, Phil to the now-empty Prince’s quarters and me to my own bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! the last chapter was very very short so here we are! double update baybeyyy!!!!!!! 
> 
> not that anyone is reading this rn lmao ..
> 
> ok i take that back, one person has this bookmarked! shout out to u uwu ily ;33


	9. Glowing Beginnings

**[** **phil** **]**

I crash back onto the vacant bed with a sigh. It seems much too large and foreboding without Charleigh in it.

Moonlight streams through the window onto the floor right next to the bed. It makes the dark room seem a bit less lonely. 

I had told Dan I was okay, and I was, in that moment. I don’t know what came over me. One second I was worrying about this big empty room I would eventually have to come back to, but the next, I was filled with this sort of...peace? I think it was the fountain. White noise like water splashes help calm me down immensely. 

I wonder why Dan couldn’t sleep? Was there some bigger reason, or was he simply restless? Am I just questioning this because I felt guilty for lying to him? Would I feel justified in making a little white lie if I knew he had lied as well?

“I’m so lonely,” I whisper.

Jeez, Phil, it hasn’t been six hours since Charleigh left and you’re already crumbling to bits.

But then I smile, because I remember I’m going to visit the town again tomorrow, this time accompanied by both Dan and his lifelong friend.

Should I feel nervous about spending a whole day with a fan?

I make a face at my own wording. Fan. I hate that word. It makes it seem like I’m some sort of superior being with people fawning all over me, dying just to get a chance to talk with me. It’s degrading to the actual, important people who enjoy my content. 

No, I think it should be fun, as I told Dan. From the way he talked about her, she seems like a wonderful person. Plus he said she has ideas on where we can go. 

It’ll be fine. It’ll be amazing!

  
  


**[** **dan** **]**

I can’t believe I’m here right now. I just- I genuinely cannot. I can’t even begin to fathom what chain of events has led me up to this moment.

I’m standing in the middle of an arcade I never even knew existed until today, and Freya and Phil are in front of me, and they’re playing DDR with no shame whatsoever. They’re having a blast, yelling whenever one of them makes a mistake (which is quite often) and generally behaving like five-year-olds. 

How am I the youngest person in our group?

Freya had been colossally nervous to meet Phil. I didn’t help by telling her he knew that she was a fan, and that she was planning the day. It took about ten minutes of talking it out for her to calm down and be brave enough to head over to the Prince’s room to meet up with Phil.

She was babbling the entire way there, but once we got to the door she clammed up. I knocked, and Phil called from inside, “One second!”

Freya made some weird restrained squawk noise beside me, and I tried to console her by putting my hand on her shoulder, but she made a face and shrugged it off. 

“I get that I’m nervous, but you don’t have to remind me of how short I am,” she laugh-whispered. She’s like 5’6” but since I’m 6’3” she always feel exceptionally short next to me.

Phil opened the door and stumbled out like some oafy giraffe, laughed at his clumsiness, and said, “Hi! You must be Freya!”

Phil’s shouting wakes me from my thoughts. He’s won the game, and he’s jumping around in celebration. Then he turns to me and says, “Dan, your turn!”

“Wut? Uh, no- I don’t dance-” I already feel uncomfortable from standing near them, so joining in on the game feels like a big bag of nope for me.

“Please? You don’t have to, but it would be fun!”

I’m about to say no- honestly, I am!- but then I look at Phil’s face and for some reason I can’t? He seems so earnest about me joining in that I find myself agreeing and stepping up to the mat.

Freya, who knows I usually shy away from anything that draws public attention to me, looks confused, but all she says is, “Hell yeah, Dan, let’s go!!”

I take a deep breath as Phil scrolls through the song choices. Scanning my immediate area, I realise that since this game is in the corner there’s nobody here to judge me. Okay. I can do this. Everything will be fine.

Phil stops at a song called Keep On Movin’ and beams. “I love this song! Want to try it out?”

I’ve never played DDR, so what’s one song from another?

“Sure. I’m warning you, though, I’ve never played.”

“Never played DDR!? Looks like I’m gonna win!” 

I’m competitive. Like, very competitive. Maybe too much so for my own good. I take his comment in stride. “Bring it on, Lester.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading so far!! school's starting soon n im not lookin forward to it >:( but i'll continue updating no matter what uwuwuwuwu


	10. Mirror Thoughts

**[** **phil** **]**

I’m having a good time just stepping on the colourful arrows. Dan said he’s never played, so I’m not worried about losing at all.

Up, down, up, up, right, down, right, left, I’m jumping and falling and not giving a single fuck. I’m way too clumsy for this game, but I’ve realised with time that everybody’s too concerned with their own insecurities to pay attention to yours. Thus, my talent lies in not letting what others think get in the way of my good time. 

“Woah, wot the fuck, this is actually really easy,” I hear Dan say, and I snap out of my thoughts to look at him. He’s totally in his element! 

“You lied!” I accuse as I struggle to concentrate on my own screen.

“No! I- FUCK. UP UP UP DOWN UP.”

“YOU’RE CHEATING!”

“HOW AM I CHEA-YAAA!! UP DOWN UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!”

I hear Freya laughing behind us, but I’m worrying about my win. Dan’s much, much more competitive than me, as I had learned when we visited the video game museum, but I still can’t _stand_ losing. Especially if this is his first time playing! The gloating would be even worse than when he beat me at Mario Kart 64 four times in a row.

“Left, right, right,” I’m mumbling, using all my willpower to focus on my arrows and tune out Dan’s aggressive shouts next to me.

The song ends on a double left-right jump. Dan theatrically throws himself to the floor without even looking at his score.

I do, of course, and it’s all I can do to contain my shock when I see he’s beaten me by exactly six points.

After the arcade, we go to a sushi place for lunch. I’ve not gone out for sushi since I started dating Charleigh. That sounds bad, but really, it’s okay. He absolutely despises seafood, and I don’t go out much with other friends, so I haven’t happened to get a chance to have some in a while.

A kind-looking waitress shows us to our table and hands us our menus. As she walks away, Freya looks at the pictures of food and says loudly, “Oh my gawd. I haven’t had sushi in so long!”

“Same!” I blurt out without thinking. “I mean, like, Charleigh doesn’t like it, and...so, yeah…” Alarms are going off in my head. Why did I say that? If they ask me to explain I’ll sound _so_ fucking weird.

“I like it a lot, though, so I’m glad we’re here right now,” I say, pretending I didn’t notice the very quick glance Freya and Dan exchanged.

“You, uh, don’t go out with other friends to get sushi?” Freya asks.

“I mean…” I shift in my seat. “I go out with my castmates to planned dinners sometimes...or we hang out on set, but they don’t serve sushi…”

“Oh.”

“But now I have you guys!” 

At that, Freya lights up with a smile, and Dan rolls his eyes. Flattery is a cheap distraction, but at least I’ll stop feeling paranoid for mentioning Charleigh behind his back.

I did mean what I’d said, though. Dan and Freya are genuinely lovely people. I can already see us all forming a tight friend group.

Soon the waitress comes back and we order our food. I excuse myself to use the loo after she walks away.

I wash my hands and stare into the mirror. Staring back at me is a tall, skinny boy with pale skin, blue-green-yellow eyes and ginger hair dyed black. He’s had a good day, but he’s scared of what happens at the end of it, when he has to go back and spend another night alone in a scary, unknown place.

I frown, and the boy frowns back at me. Why did Charleigh leave me behind? I don’t care if the invitation only allowed for him. He knew I was going to be here by now. It wasn’t like some last minute thing; it was a WEDDING. He had to have known about it months in advance.

I guess he would have known about it before he knew I was visiting, though.

Mirror-boy and I run our hands through our hair. He looks tired. He didn’t sleep that much last night. There was too much empty space in his room for him to feel safe. 

He had gone to the garden to try and calm himself down. Then he did. He ran into a friend, and they talked, and he felt at peace. But when he went back to his room, the emptiness and darkness was still there, and his thoughts went flying in a storm all around him. When he finally fell asleep, it was a fitful sleep that only lasted about three hours. 

Then he woke up, and he got ready for a day with his new friends.

I snap out of my weird third-person daze. Somebody is knocking on the door. I hope I haven’t been making them hold it for too long.

Adjusting my fringe one final time, I leave and apologise to the frantic-looking child waiting on the other side of the door. 

I get back to the table at the same time that the waitress comes back with our drinks. 

“Thank you,” I mumble, and take a sip of my lemon water. 

Freya and Dan are playing Akinator on Dan’s phone. I smile as I remember meeting Freya. It felt like ages ago, but really it was just this morning.

I was tying my shoes when I heard a knock at my door.

“One second!” I called out as I raced to the mirror to do a quick fringe check.

I opened the door, half-tripped on the shoelaces that I had _just_ tied (why do I even bother?!), laughed at myself, and looked up to see a girl with short, wavy hair and tan skin standing next to Dan.

“Hi! You must be Freya!” I said with a wide grin. I was excited to meet her.

“Yeah, that’s me…” she said softly before asking, “This is maybe a little weird, but you’re such an inspiration to me...can I, like, hug you?”

“Of course!” I said, opening my arms wide, “I love hugs!”

It was a very sweet moment. I had been worried that she’d be too nervous to properly have a good time, but we both clicked almost immediately. And since I was already friends with Dan, the whole day was very fun.

It’s weird, you know? I think we may grow to become very good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a year ago today i was in school LMFAOOOO i still have to go back in 5 days tho >:( 
> 
> also i've edited the whole book so far to change it to include PHIL's perspective so liiiiiiiike yeh that's what i've been working on for the past couple of weeks askdjhshj   
> (also why this 'update' already happened in the first version of ch 9.....i think i'll just add ch 11 to make up for it lmfao)


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